Downright Joy

Discovering joy in unexpected places – a journey into Down's syndrome, Dyspraxia & Autism


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Close Up

raindrops

Sunday evenings, at least here in the U.K., may be sometimes spent watching the most extraordinary wildlife documentaries on television. Against backdrops of breathtaking scenery, coupled with state of the art photography and filming, you can be taken on amazing journeys, encountering incredible creatures and habitats. Microscopic technology takes the viewer from the comfort of their armchair on a voyage of infinite discovery. Ordinary grains of sand, for instance, taken from the beach and magnified to reveal a dazzling Aladdin’s cave effect. Stunning jewel like precision and design. Each one different, unique, whether you believe them to be created or evolved. Redefining the meaning of a close up. Jaw dropping photography.

The hardest of hearts can be moved to tears at the sight of once magnificent sea creatures now suffering a terrible injustice. Suffering because of the shameful amount of plastic we humans have disposed of in their environment.  Whole movements that seek to reverse this horror have been born out of witnessing such atrocities. We care, they say. Though we didn’t used to, we do now.

Such is the power of technology; it advances our understanding of the world around us and helps us set to rights the wrongs we have committed. Technological advances being used for the good of the environment and, ultimately, all its inhabitants.

Yet it troubles me greatly that this same technology that allows us to travel further than we’ve ever travelled before and see in micro detail that which was previously unknown is so very, very limited. A technology that sees everything yet at the same time sees nothing.

Screening tests that are more advanced than ever before can now detect the possibility of Down’s syndrome in the unborn earlier than ever. (And, worryingly, it’s not always pointed out that the results can be wrong). Technology is so advanced that it won’t be long before all kinds of other genetic conditions are identified in utero. Many believe this to be a good thing. Technological advances supposedly being used for the good of society. Yet the ‘good’ these particular screening tests do is questionable, more often than not at the expense of another and largely unchallenged from an ethical standpoint.

As I write this blog, my daughter, who has Down’s syndrome is clutching a leaf.

It has held her attention for some time now. She marvels at it. Holds it between her fingers and spins it. She does not speak words, yet her voice echoes the joy she experiences from examining the leaf in her tiny grasp.

I hear her.

I hear too her newly acquired footsteps around the house. A sound that still makes my heart sing. Each footstep fought for over the last eight years.  Footsteps that we wondered if we’d ever hear. Though it wouldn’t have mattered if we didn’t …not greatly anyway. We do not measure her life by whether she can walk or talk. We do not measure her life at all really. How could we? It’s impossible to measure the joy she brings us each day, even if we tried. She has redefined the meaning of close up as she enables us to see so much more of life than we ever realised was there.

Just like it’s impossible to detect much more than one extra chromosome at a screening test. A truly advanced technological breakthrough that apparently tells you so much yet actually takes you further away from the reality of what or who is really there, beneath the surface. Waiting to be discovered, waiting to be loved, waiting to be nurtured, waiting to be cared for. And yes, I still count it an absolute privilege to care for, marvel at and learn from another human being, however many challenges there may be, extra chromosome or not. Indeed, parents, advocates and of course people with Down’s syndrome themselves are increasingly fed up of being told to bow at the altar of personal choice when it comes to prenatal screening. As if a person with Down’s syndrome were just another option at the Fresher’s Fayre of parenting options. Discrimination has never been so cleverly disguised.

I wish that in every heart that is rightly moved by the plight of the cormorant trapped in plastic or the dolphins tangled in discarded nets, there would be found the same outrage towards the plight of people with Down’s syndrome. An Extinction rebellion – though of course Down’s syndrome itself can never be made extinct even though worldwide efforts to prevent live births are abhorrently successful.

A people group so targeted by technology before they are even born. Deemed unworthy of protection yet feared enough for detection.

A lens that can detect them yet does nothing to protect them.

A lens that sees everything and nothing.

It appears to me that the lens is facing the wrong way.

H & leaf

For more information about what it’s really like to bring up a child with Down’s syndrome go to Positive About Down’s Syndrome


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Funny that.

Laughing boy

Did you wake up laughing today?

My daughter did, just like she did yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that too.

Did someone tell her a joke? There’s no one else in her room. Did she remember something funny she saw the day before? Perhaps. Not sure.

Maybe she was thinking about the bus journey to school and how bumpy it feels as she rides, strapped into her wheelchair. Or maybe she was thinking about the funny songs the Music Man sang to her when he came to her class; especially that one about the pirates- that’s funny. Or maybe it was the sheep on the farm she visits, or the goat that jumped on the trampoline with her one day. Whoever heard of such a thing?! Maybe it’s the strange plaster casts on both her legs that she currently has to wear. They do look kind of funny I suppose.

It’s no good asking her, she cannot give an answer. Though she is nearly eight years old, she has no words you see. And right now, only laughter.

Sometimes she is sad. Sometimes she is grumpy. Sometimes she is in pain. Sometimes she is tired.

Just like you, just like me.

A range of emotions.

But because she is non verbal she has to express them differently.

Unlike you, unlike me.

But laughter, chuckling, giggling, rib tickling, snort inducing, full on raucous belly laughter is very often her first emotion of the day.  I’d love to know what makes her laugh.

Did you wake up laughing today? Or did your thoughts turn immediately to worries?

Fears of the future perhaps, or just concerns about the day ahead. So much to do, so much to accomplish. What ifs and what abouts firing off in all directions in your head before your feet have even hit the floor.

My daughter woke up laughing.

My daughter has Down’s syndrome. Many people think her life is not worth living. They think she would be better off not being born. They called her life a ‘risk’. They said she is abnormal. They spoke as if giving birth to her was some great tragedy.

Funny that.

 

 


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Beautiful Brilliance

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Our week, almost at an end, has been spent in a lodge, beside the most beautiful, tranquil lake in the heart of the Devon countryside. After a hectic and very emotional end of term as my daughter moves on from her beloved school to new beginnings, a few days to simply stop, breathe and clear the lump in my throat was just what I needed.

The local heron, ever present with its majestic flight up and over the trees, alighting daily on the bank for a spot of sentinel feeding. Moorhens and their young, swimming like dancing Egyptians back and forth. And swifts. So many swifts. Appearing out of nowhere, feathered fighter pilots storming the sky above the lake, feasting on the myriad insects gathered there.

But one particular lakeside dweller has, all week, evaded me. The Kingfisher. That most visually eloquent yet elusive of birds. Despite my constant attempts to spot it, I have failed. Until just now.

I’d done all the right things…got up early to catch it feeding, hidden myself behind the trees so as not to scare it. And I’d prayed…as I often do. Nothing.

So, today, after my early morning trek around the lake to find it, I sat down outside the lodge and admitted defeat. Perhaps it was nesting elsewhere this year. I prayed a final but very grumpy prayer. Please let me catch a glimpse.

Seconds later, and I mean seconds, I saw it. Unmistakable flash of brilliant blue and orange streaking across the far side of the lake. I’d seen it. That was enough for me. I was happy. But there was more. Much more. A pair of Kingfishers darted here and there, right in front of me. An acrobatic air show of the finest order.

And I realised something. This visual feast, this Kingly display had been there all the time. I just needed to stop looking so hard in one area, for what I wanted to see, but open my eyes to the entire landscape.

In the Down’s syndrome community, and in life, it’s easy to feel pressure to see faster progress in your child’s development. Milestones that should be reached and ticked off an imaginary list. Sitting up, standing, walking, talking, or even toileting. And when our children can’t or don’t reach these milestones when we thought they would it’s so easy to feel discouraged. That we must be doing something wrong. That it’s our fault. That’s not to say we don’t push for them or encourage them to reach their full potential. But what is potential?

My child may not be able to walk very far and she doesn’t have many words. She is not yet able to fully feed by herself and is reliant on a feeding tube. Yet her potential is being realised every single day regardless of these so called limitations, or unmet milestones. Every day she shows love, joy and compassion to those around her. Every day she breathes life into our environment with her laughter and her sense of humour. Every day her life, her very existence, reminds us to give thanks for the transformation she has brought into our lives. Her sister’s life – enriched beyond measure as she instinctively and lovingly cares for and delights in the adoration of her sibling. The richness to be found in a person with Down’s syndrome, and that can be found in her too, is incomparable.

Whatever this world has in store for her life, however good, will never be able to equal what she has stored up and brought into our world. It’s a sadness to me that so many people won’t even catch a glimpse of this beauty, this brilliance in so many people with Down’s syndrome. So focused are they on achieving their goals they believe the lie that society has told them – that Down’s syndrome is a risk to their dreams and successes and must be dealt with – the earlier the better, preferably before they are even born. Brilliance not even given the opportunity to be seen.

I want brilliance in my life. And not just inspirational glimpses. I want more.

I have it thanks to my child with an extra chromosome.

Beautiful brilliance.


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Cheers

Cheers TV titles Screen shot

I have a nostalgia for certain 80s & 90s American TV sitcoms. The moment I hear the opening few bars to, say, Cheers, for example, my mood lifts, however I’m feeling at the time.

Set in a bar in a Boston, the regulars and the workers all share their lives and experiences with each other. The highs, the lows; the trials, the triumphs. If, like me, you stayed the course of 11 years and 275 episodes, you got to know and love each character. The bar, the decor, the stories, the romances, the heartaches, the people. That theme song:

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name

And they’re always glad you came…..

I felt sad the day Cheers ended. Of course it had to end. Everyone was getting older for one thing. Nothing stays the same. Life moves on. Still, I was sad.

This week, my daughter, Hazel, moves on from the only school she’s ever known. She’s been there nearly eight years; since she was two months old.

It’s her school but to us it’s so much more. It’s a place that has not only nurtured, cared for and educated her but us too. A family centred school.

It’s the place that scooped us up and surrounded us with support in those early, traumatic days when she was a poorly baby. The days when we struggled to come to terms with her diagnosis of Down’s syndrome and of what we mistakenly thought that meant for her future, for our future. I was very focused on that diagnosis back then. Unhealthily so. Hazel’s school is the place where I learnt that her diagnosis was not nearly as important as I first thought. It’s the place that helped us find, adjust to and embrace a new ‘normal’ in the midst of all the uncertainty and upheaval that we were facing. It’s the place where I found hope for a new kind of future; a joy-filled one.

A practitioner from the school came to visit us when Hazel was around nine weeks old – barely just home from the hospital NICU – to invite us to join their baby group. At that point I was still in a state of shock and unprepared to be thrust into a world of disability and special needs, let alone special schools. I remember asking her about the other children in the group. What were their diagnoses? What did they have? What was wrong with them? And though I may not have used those exact words, it’s what I was thinking. I’m so ashamed of those questions now.

Her upbeat answer surprised me: Oh, I don’t know!

Actually, I’m sure she did know, but the children’s conditions were not foremost in her mind. Their names, however, were. She knew them by their names. Harry, Ruby, Jacob, Louise*……children. Each with a name, not a diagnosis.

This school is a place where everybody knows your name.

And they’re always glad you came.

Mainstream education, or indeed society,  has much to learn from a school like this. There should really be no need for a policy on ‘inclusion’ when your starting point is the child’s name and not their disability.

This school is a place that has grown so familiar to us. It is our safe place. Our refuge in the tougher times when we’ve needed a shoulder to cry on. Our happy place when there has been so much to celebrate. A place where many new friends have been made.

So many joy-filled days.

Treasured memories.

Hazel’s happy place.

And as we now must say goodbye to this beautiful, caring, extraordinary, award winning school, we are sad; though we know it is time for Hazel to move on.  We are filled with gratitude for Hazel’s teachers, therapists and support staff; past and present. Whenever I see the word excellence I think of them. People who continually go above and beyond their official duties and who are, without doubt, the reason my tube fed, disabled daughter can now walk a few steps or even eat some actual food. People who have crafted and shaped a hope-filled future for Hazel. People who care deeply about all the children in their school and who constantly look for ways to bring out their full potential.

I love how Stephen Kelly, writing about Cheers in the Guardian in 2018 puts it,

 “Cheers, after all, always knew how to recover from setbacks. It was sturdy, consistent, familiar – a place where everybody knows your name.”

Thank you to every single person at Hazel’s exceptionally special school.

We’re so very glad we came.

“Every child, every person needs to know that they are a source of joy; every child, every person, needs to be celebrated. Only when all of our weaknesses are accepted as part of our humanity can our negative, broken self-images be transformed.” 
― Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

*Names changed for privacy.


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Camino

Camino pic

I’ve long been fascinated by the Camino de Santiago; a network of pilgrimage routes leading to the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in North Western Spain. Known also as The Way, it’s a place where, according to tradition, the remains of Saint James the Great are buried. It’s a route that has become popular not only with pilgrims, but also hikers, cyclists and others looking to challenge themselves as well as looking for something else, something deeper. A pathway walkers often say they tread to find peace and a new sense of purpose to their lives. A restorative ramble in a remarkable landscape.

A highway to hope.

I would love, one day, to go on the Camino and experience if for myself, though given my less than enthusiastic approach to camping, hostelling or living without my home comforts, I’m not sure if I am really up for the challenge. Yet I am still drawn, not just to the beauty of the pathway itself, but to those who tread upon it. Countless lives that have walked that pathway for all kinds of personal reasons. Some religious, others not. Each story important and relevant, in some way, to all those who walk it. Why did they take that pathway when they could perhaps have found an easier way to relax and find inner peace?

I think the answer lies in the hope that they find along The Way. Hope that wells up as they experience its beauty, its ruggedness, its challenges. Hope freely given to them as they meet different people, from all walks of life, from many different countries. They may go there for all kinds of reasons of course; exercise, well being, a chance to experience a different culture. But hope. Hope is often what spurs them on.

Hope is often the overriding factor in most of life’s major decisions. It can be found at all life’s twists and turns. At crossroads in our lives we look for its signpost. As we enter new relationships, contemplate a marriage perhaps, start a family, or look for a new job, new home and so on we look for it, find it, and take it with us. We may pore over all the facts in our possession and weigh up the risks involved in making big decisions. But we almost always make our choices with a measure of hope that is just as important to us as what we already know.  Hope is vital. It is a pathway we must tread, though it may make us vulnerable.

Hope is the reason I write.

The pathway I now follow is not the one I was signposted to. Eight years ago, on discovering at my 12 week scan that the baby I was carrying might have Down’s syndrome or some other genetic condition, doctors pointed me in the direction of another pathway. Society also pointed to it and still does. They said I should follow the road that will get me out of here. One, they told me, would be the best for me, and for my unborn child. A pathway that would lead me to a place where I could simply try again. They saw no hope for this child, only suffering and misery, leading to death sooner rather than later. They looked only in one direction. No one told me about the other pathway, the one I am now on and which I had to find for myself. They didn’t give me a choice, though they claimed they were. This pathway isn’t easy, I’ll admit. Yet it is a pathway signposting hope. A pathway filled with many people from different walks of life. Some of those people saw it and chose it, others found themselves on it unexpectedly.

At times, the terrain is rugged, challenging and exhausting. It’s at these times you can quickly come across others on the path who know how to find a way through. People who can steady you as you climb over the stiles or tell you the best places to find help or rest. And though the ground beneath your feet may at times feel rocky and unstable, the view is breathtaking. The beauty to be found along The Way is what keeps you going. Always changing, always something new to marvel at, be thankful for and draw strength from.  For all the challenges it is still a pathway you are glad beyond words that you discovered.

For any woman and her partner who is being signposted in only one direction by doctors, or society or even their own personal prejudices (and I had lots of those, believe me) please know that there is another way. A crossroads has more than one sign. Step aside, look behind whoever or whatever is in front of the signpost and realise it also points in another direction.

It points to another Camino.

A highway of hope.

For lived experience of what it is like to bring up a child with Down’s syndrome check out these websites and meet others who have discovered hope in similar situations:

Positive About Down Syndrome

Wouldn’t Change A Thing

 


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Framed

Today is my birthday. It’s a big birthday.

Its ten years since my last big birthday. The biggest birthday I’ve ever had, though there was and is no zero on the end of it.

Ten years since I woke up in hospital, 29 weeks pregnant, surrounded by monitors and hooked up to machines. A nurse stationed at the foot of my bed. I’d spent a week in Intensive Care as doctors fought to save not just my life but that of my unborn baby. One by one, my major organs gradually shutting down. My husband told to expect the worst; doctors didn’t know if either of us could be saved. I was hours from death.

Ketoacidosis- a condition I’d never heard of, had crept up from nowhere. We had been enjoying our last holiday before the baby was due. Brixham; a pretty little fishing village on the Devon coast and a place I’ve not been able to revisit since, such are the painful memories it evokes. The holiday had to be cut short. It’s a condition that is fatal if not immediately treated, brought on by poorly managed or untreated diabetes. As I’d had no previous indications of diabetes in my pregnancy it was a mystery why I became so ill. So unusual, that doctors later asked my permission to write a medical paper on me for their journals.

I woke up and the doctor wished me happy birthday.

For ten years I’ve always considered it a terrible birthday. On my discharge from ICU, I was offered counselling- such was the potentially traumatising effect of a week in ICU.  I declined. I felt no need – I had survived and so had my unborn baby. I had something wonderful to look forward to and that was enough.  Over the years I’ve pondered on the experience more so. Only recently discovering, for example, that the weird hallucinations I had whilst there were as a result of the cocktail of drugs being pumped into me. Perhaps if I’d taken up their offer I would’ve known this.

It’s taken ten years for me to celebrate that birthday. May 7 2009 is the day I got given my life back. It’s the day I knew I was still going to be a mum.

It was the start of the next ten years.

Ten years that have brought much joy into my life as well as difficulty. Ten years that have brought formal diagnoses including Down’s syndrome, Dyspraxia, and recently Autism into my life through my children. Diagnoses that, at one time, would have filled me with fear but that have instead brought me into the most amazing community, and given me two unique children who, along with the challenges, bring me indescribable joy.

There is much talk in the Down’s syndrome community about changing the narrative around a diagnosis. A well-worn phrase that I wonder may be past its sell by date. Too clichéd perhaps; I’m not sure. Yet the desire behind it to see a story told differently is one I applaud. For so long, pregnant women have been told of the ‘risks’ of having a child with Down’s syndrome. These are well known and documented. A quick google search will (sadly) bring up all kinds of fear inducing scenarios for a new mum; many of them based on outdated and frankly incorrect information, using terminology long since thrown into Room 101 by those who know better.

A snapshot of my own experience in the last ten years shows there’s much to be done. Ten years ago doctors fought to save the life of my unborn baby at 29 weeks. A little over two years later and doctors and midwives in the same hospital were telling me I should consider aborting my second unborn child even up to birth if I wanted.

Why? All because of a possible extra chromosome and the fears surrounding it. One life worth preserving, the other disposable according to their rule book. Though I am thankful to the doctor who, after initially offering me this ‘way out’, apologised saying he wished he didn’t have to but that he had to ‘follow strict guidelines’. The stats bear him out. Over 90% of babies found prenatally to have Down’s syndrome in the UK are routinely aborted.

The story of Down’s syndrome played out in many hospitals and clinics is a story that needs to change because it’s not the whole story. Parents are given only a snapshot of what life is really like with an extra Chromosome. And that snapshot is often out of focus. Framed in such a way that obscures the joyful reality of loving a person with Down’s syndrome.

It’s not lost on me either, that my first child – the one doctors fought to save has since had more than her fair share of challenges; diagnoses of conditions we didn’t know she had in utero. Yet no one ever suggested terminating her life. This will change if the proponents of pre-natal testing get their way and more conditions are targeted in the womb. So much they will be able to tell you and yet so little.

Ten years ago I almost died. A horrible, dreadful experience.

Ten years ago I was given a chance to live.

Ten years ago the doctor stood beside my bed, a week after he said I might not live, and wished me happy birthday.

Ten years since he and other skilled professionals saved my life and that of my baby. Ten years since many people prayed for me. A few came to ICU and prayed over me.  Some are no longer here themselves. I’ll always remember my dear friend Vicky (whose birthday I shared) getting past the tight security that would only let family or clergy in. Vicky was not one to ever let protocol get in her way and she came to hold my hand, praying as I drifted in and out of delirium.  I don’t understand why she is no longer here and it hurts my heart, but I smile at that memory.

So I will reframe my birthday of ten years ago. I won’t change the story by wiping out the painful, difficult, anxious, terrifying parts. But I will celebrate all that was good and all that began that day. I will stop remembering it in mournful, self-pitying tones but rejoice in the new life it began.

I will look at the whole picture and put it in a new frame. Some stories are worth telling from a different perspective.

Happy Birthday to me.

Dedicated to Vicky Taylor.  

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Miss you Vic, happy birthday x

 


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Truth be told…

Words people said when my first baby was born:

Congratulations!

She’s beautiful

She’s got your eyes

So cute

Adorable

Aaaahhhh

So happy for you

So many wonderful adventures ahead of you

Welcome to the world little one

So many words, so many cliches. So many ways to express joy. 

Sshhh! Not too loud, you’ll wake the baby!

Precisely what I needed to hear, truth be told.

Just what the doctor ordered.

 

Words people said when my second baby was born:

I’m so sorry

 

So few words. Eyes averted. Hushed conversations. So many ways to express sorrow. Shhh! Careful what you say, you might upset the mother. 

Just what the doctor ordered.

But his prescription is long since out of date.

No one said congratulations when I had a baby with Down’s syndrome. 

I blame no one; I carried my own prejudices, I reflected the mood around me, to an extent I permitted it.

Yet ‘Congratulations, she is beautiful’ was precisely what I needed to hear.

 

So to any mother who today cradles a new born baby in their arms, or sits anxiously next to their incubator in a NICU; a baby that has been born with an extra chromosome…..I pray someone will hold your hand, stare with wonder into the eyes of your precious child and tell you the truth of it:

Congratulations! Your baby is beautiful! Welcome to the world little one.

Today, on World Down Syndrome Day,  I will celebrate every single glorious life, born and unborn, with an extra chromosome.

Each one profoundly beautiful.

Truth be told.